Parenting Time Tips to Avoid Holiday Drama

One of my daughter’s favorite holiday books is Llama Llama Holiday Drama, about a little llama who gets overwhelmed by the holidays. Unfortunately, getting caught up in “holidrama,” isn’t just for little llamas.  Almost everyone experiences some form of their own “holidrama.” This is especially true if you are going through divorce or are sharing the holidays after a divorce. With competing personal, work, family and holiday obligations, the cost of gifts and entertaining, as well as our emotional expectations around time with family and holiday traditions- the holidays can be overwhelming. They can also create situations ripe for arguing over parenting time with your spouse or ex-spouse. My best advice is DON’T, if you can avoid it.  Not only will it cost you money in attorney’s fees, but it can also ruin your holidays and maybe your children’s holidays as well.

Here are my top Parenting Time Tips for Avoiding Holiday Drama:

1.   Work Out the Details of Holiday Schedules In Advance: Do not wait until the holiday week to realize that you don’t have a schedule.  Review your Marital Settlement Agreement or Custody/Parenting Time Order and speak to an attorney early to make sure that you have a detailed schedule for how you are going to share the holidays. Do this early so that you have time to work out any problems in advance. A detailed schedule avoids any confusion and emotionally fraught exchanges and helps to give everyone especially your children a sense of stability; 

2.   Be Cooperative and Flexible: Remember that co-parenting of your children will be a long relationship and that there are times when you will need concessions for your own schedule or to be flexible because it’s what is in your children’s best interests.  I always tell clients to pick their battles and not to fight over things that are fair and reasonable. I suggest that clients think about how they would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. Remember that the more goodwill you create with the other parent, the easier co-parenting your children can become; 

3.   Fight the Right Battles Sooner Rather than Later:  With the above being said, sometimes the other parent is not putting the children’s best interests first or is being unreasonable in a way that threatens your children’s well-being. If you suspect that there will be problems during the holidays, talk to an attorney well in advance so that you have time to go to court if needed or to negotiate a resolution of the problem. Waiting till the last minute can mean that the court may not reach you in time for the holiday; 

4.   Coordinate Gift Giving:  Share your children’s holiday wish lists and coordinate gift giving so that you both feel included and share in costs. The more cooperative and easy Mom and Dad are through the holidays, the more your children can relax and enjoy both of you; 

5.   Remember Your Ex Will Always Be Your Children’s Parent: Remember that even though your relationship with the other parent may change, this person is still your child’s Mom or Dad.  Don’t speak badly of the other parent or their significant other. Rather, do everything you can to encourage your child’s relationship with their other parent.  Try to remember that the more people that love and support your children in their lives the better.  Mom and Dad (even ones that you might not think are so great) are an irreplaceable source of love.  Allow extra phone calls during the holidays, be flexible to allow changes to the parenting time schedule if your child misses their other parent and buy a gift from your children to their other parent; 

6.   Put Your Children’s Best Interests First:  As with the above tips, remember to always think about what is in your children’s best interests, even if it sometimes conflicts with what would make you personally happy. Don’t engage in arguments during parenting time exchanges or send messages through your children.  If your child is sick or tired, be cooperative to put your child first; 

7.   Create New Traditions: Your family life has changed due to divorce, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have new family traditions. Maybe you will be celebrating the holidays on a day other than the holiday itself or maybe you won’t be able to share traditions that you have always enjoyed with your extended family with your children. Make sure to create new traditions with your children. Filling your time with your children with fun and laughter is a good way to let any stress from the season roll right off; 

8.   Exercise Lots of Self-Care and Self-Compassion:  The holidays can be hard even under the best of circumstances. Remember to take time to take care of yourself.  You can’t give to your children and others if your tank is empty.  Spend time with friends and family, get rest (when you can- I know, I know it’s hard), and be easier on yourself. Maybe you are blaming yourself for the fact that your family is not together, you couldn’t make it to the Christmas concert, you weren’t able to bake 10,000 cupcakes for the school party, you can’t afford the must-have gift or you forgot to move the Elf on a Shelf and now your child thinks they’re on the naughty list- it’s okay. None of us are perfect. Be easy on yourself. The more self-care and self-compassion you show yourself this holiday season, the more bandwidth you will have to negotiate through holiday parenting time and not engage in “holidrama.”

To discuss any concerns about your holiday parenting time and learn how to avoid holiday drama, contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office, LLC for a consultation. 609-223-2099.

Readiness: Stepping Into a New Beginning.

This year I realized that I was ready for a new beginning. That new beginning was the creation of my own law practice after many years in private practice. New beginnings can be scary and filled with anxiety. They require us to step into the unknown. What I realize from my personal experience, and in my work as a family lawyer helping others, is that in order to step into a new beginning you have to be ready to face uncertainty and change. Some of us choose to step into a new beginning for ourselves, while others get forced into it by circumstance; tragedy, painful endings, betrayals, or crisis.  But either way, we all have to become “ready,” at some point to face a new beginning.

Artists, poets and writers have spoken to this sense of readiness as an openness to life and to the unknown. The poet and theologian John O’Donahue eloquently wrote that “often when something is ending we discover within it a spore of new beginning, and a whole new train of possibility is in motion before we even realize it. When the heart is ready for a fresh beginning, unforeseen things can emerge.”

In my work I see a lot of endings and walk with a lot of people during the most uncertain times in their lives.  But I also see the opening that endings offer; the cracking open that being broken or hurt can create. It can be an awakening. It can be an invitation back to who you really are and who you want to be. Endings can offer the opportunity to stop and assess the direction you are going in and invite you to consider new possibilities.

In writing on new beginnings, John O’Donahue asked the question “what is the new horizon in you waiting to be seen?” We can only answer that question when we step forward into the unknown and into the invitation of a new beginning.

When you are ready to talk, contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office LLC, (609) 223-2099.

New Domestic Violence Case Finds that Inherently Violent Nature of Some Acts of Domestic Violence Are Self-Evident of Need For Final Restraining Order.

The Appellate Division opinion of A.M.C. v. P.B, released for publication on October 21, 2016 finds that a Trial Court misapplied the two-prong test for determining whether the issuance of Final Restraining Order is necessary (set forth in the landmark domestic violence case Silver v. Silver which requires in its second prong that the Court find that a domestic violence restraining order is necessary to protect a victim from future abuse). The Trial Court had found that the defendant had perpetrated acts of domestic violence, in this case, the assault of the victim on two separate occasions in a three- week period, including a physical assault that took place to prevent the victim from leaving the marital residence. But then determined that a Final Restraining Order was not necessary because it was not necessary to protect the victim from further acts of domestic violence because they believed that the parties’ relationship had ended when the victim left the marital residence because there were no children of the relationship and the fact that the defendant had no violated the TRO (which had not been served upon him) after the victim left the marital residence.  

The Appellate Division found in A.M.C. that the inherent violent nature of the acts against the victim, that were done to prevent her from leaving, along with the history of domestic violence and threats of further violence rose to the level of such acts that are “self-evident” of the need to protect the victim from further acts of domestic violence.  As such, the Appellate Division reversed the decision of the Trial Court and found that the victim was entitled to a Final Restraining Order.

This case helps to narrow the broad reading of Silver that sometimes leaves victims of domestic violence without protection, by giving more weight in the Silver analysis to cases involving acts of domestic violence that are inherently more violent in nature.

Domestic violence proceedings have serious implications for both the victim as well as the person accused of committing domestic violence.  Our office handles domestic violence cases and has worked with pro bono domestic violence organizations in both Mercer and Hunterdon County.  Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office, LLC. for a consultation to discuss your domestic violence matter.  (609)223-2099.

Will the NJ Supreme Court Permit Equitable Distribution of a Post-Divorce Bonus in a Short-Term Marriage Based Upon Cohabitation Prior to Marriage?

On September 26, 2016 the New Jersey Supreme Court heard oral argument in the case of Thieme v. Aucoin-Thieme involving a dispute over whether a $2.25M post-divorce bonus was subject to equitable distribution in a short term marriage of fourteen months, due to the fact that the parties had lived together eight years before the marriage and the bonus had been “earned” during that period.  Among the issues to be considered by the Supreme Court is whether an asset acquired during the period of cohabitation should be subject to equitable distribution.  Although not presently contemplated under the equitable distribution statute, defendant’s counsel has argued that this is an issue of “equity.”  Stay tuned for the outcome of this very interesting case, which may potentially change the nature of equitable distribution in cases involving a period of cohabitation prior to the marriage.

For more information or for assistance with a family law matter, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office at (609)223-2099.

How Do You Know When You're Ready? Building Resolve.

Lately I have talked to more and more clients and people that I consult with about the issue of resolve.  An issue that we all grapple with, whether we are going through divorce or not.  How do any of us know when we are ready? Ready to leave a job.  Get married. Have a child. Buy a house. Make a change. Or end a relationship.  In my work I have the blessing of sitting with and helping people at the hardest time of their lives. Oftentimes I deal with victims of domestic violence, who want to leave but are deeply afraid of being physically harmed or of not having enough money to survive on their own.  Or Fathers and Mothers who feel they cannot end a marriage because they are afraid that their partner will try to take away custody of their children. 

In these moments, I see the commonality of our human experience. Everyone is afraid at some time in their life. Everyone can feel stuck; like they cannot choose any of the options before them.  I often tell people that come into my office that I cannot give them resolve.  That they must bring it with them. That only they know when they are ready. But where does resolve come from? How do you find that spark of certainty?  Most religions believe that something transcendent must intervene in order to free us from these moments and give us clarity and resolve. It is the universal concept of Grace that is present in the teachings of almost every world religion.  It’s akin to an awakening of a kind of spiritual intelligence or interior life that reconnects us to our higher good.  To how we truly want to spend our lives. What our purpose here is.  And when it arrives -its like a small spark of certainty that ignites into a sure feeling in our gut that we are ready. That we know not only what we want to do, but that we are ready to do it.

I encourage the people that I meet with and speak to, who are not ready, who want to leave, but don’t know how, to get informed and understand what will most likely happen in their case legally, but then to take the time to find resolve. To be sure they are ready.  The question of how to awaken that spiritual intelligence is different for everyone. So I encourage them to talk regularly to a counselor, trusted friend or family member.    If they are religious- then maybe through their faith. But to feed their spirit good things for a bit, just the way you would feed a malnourished body good foods to heal. Reconnect with friends that maybe they have lost touch with. Remember to do the things that used to make them happy or bring them joy. For one special client, this was spending time riding horses.  To spend time with people who make them feel uplifted and connected. To stay connected with their “team” who can provide support and encouragement (financially or otherwise). To get back in touch with that quiet voice inside that maybe warned them at the beginning or along the way in a relationship that there were signs of things that just didn’t feel right.  And to learn to listen to that voice until its loud of enough to speak with certainty. With resolve. 

When you're ready, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office at (609)223-2099.

Are the Court’s Considerations in Pendente Lite Support Applications changing under the New Alimony Statute?

One of the most common applications made in family court is for what is called pendente lite support. This support is supposed to maintain the “status quo” of the marriage while the parties participate in the divorce litigation and head toward either an amicable resolution of their case or a final decision by the Court via a trial.  It is essentially supposed to “bridge the gap between the beginning and the end of a divorce proceeding.”  Historically,  Courts have predominantly considered the marital lifestyle and the needs of the supported spouse to maintain that status quo in determining pendente lite support.

A recent Ocean County Chancery Court decision, Malek v. Malek, (published August 23, 2016) is calling into question whether Courts are obligated to go beyond  “marital lifestyle” and “status quo,” considerations in pendente lite applications under the new statute. The Court in Malek  finds that the 2014 amendment to the alimony statute requires that Courts consider all of the statutory factors for alimony under N.J.S.A. 2A:34-23 (not just marital lifestyle and need) and to specifically to consider: (1) the practical impact of the parties’ need for separate residences and attendant increase in living expenses on both parties’ ability to maintain the marital standard of living; (2) that neither party has a greater entitlement to the standard of living of the marriage; (3) that no statutory factor carries more weight than any other factor; and (4) that the amount, nature and length of pendente lite support is to be considered in the final alimony award. 

For more information regarding pendente lite support applications or any other family law issues, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office LLC at 609-223-2099.