Finding Meaning After Loss
In 2020 there was a collective loss that we all experienced. We lost our normal everyday lives; employment, gathering, work-place connection, school for our children, the touch of our loved ones, travel, the health of our world and community and so much more. On top of this collective loss, many of us suffered terrible personal losses as well; making 2020 a year of such profound loss that it challenged us in how we processed our grief. In 2020, I lost something that I loved and then more tragically at the end of the year I lost someone that I loved. Those losses changed both my internal landscape and my everyday world in profound ways and forced me to look at the emotional work of grief and loss in a different way.
As human beings, I think that we all try to find meaning when we suffer loss. Both in why the tragic circumstance happened to us and then in the meaning that the loss will give to our lives moving forward. David Kessler, a world renowned expert on grief and co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (the late Swiss-American psychiatrist famous for her Kubler-Ross method comprised of the 5 Stages of Grief), wrote his latest book after the death of his 21 year old son, called Finding Meaning, which he describes as the 6th Stage of Grief.
In our fast-paced society, many of us are quick to skip over the work of grief and to jump to this later step; gratitude, purpose and meaning. Perhaps even before we have felt the feelings necessary to find that sense of meaning. Kessler cautions us not to try to find meaning in the loss itself, stating that “loss is not a blessing or a test, but rather something that happens to each of us.” That you don’t have to be “grateful for the trauma of loss, but that you can be grateful for what you learn from it.” He importantly notes “finding meaning can’t happen until you feel your pain.” Which is the work of processing those other important steps; numbness/denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance.
Unfortunately, no one can do the work of grief for you and for each of us it may look very different. However, Kessler’s website grief.com is a wonderful resource for how to process and manage your grief. It includes a particularly interesting post about the six elements you need when you are in grief. These elements while seemingly intuitive are helpful to keep in mind:
Surround yourself with community –this includes all kinds of people- those who “go deep” or are good listeners, people who can distract you, people who push or encourage you etc.
Continued connections (applicable to keeping connection to a deceased loved one)
Your Grief Does Not Define You
Treat yourself as your best friend- how would your best friend or the kindest person you know treat you?
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others- it’s okay that others are at a different place than you are in their grief/post-grief growth
Count Your Wins- think of the little things you are accomplishing or doing that are moving you forward and give yourself praise for them.
Divorce and other family law issues can be a kind of loss akin to a kind of death; the death of a marriage, the death of family life as you have known it, perhaps even the death of a part of your identity. I have learned through my own losses and the people that I help every day, that it is important to give yourself time to process your feelings and to grieve, however long it may take.
Are you ready to work through your loss and find meaning again? We are here to support you in the painful grief work around your divorce and family law matter, to help you navigate your legal issues and find meaning in your loss. Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.
