Four Relationship Patterns That Predict Divorce

Marriage can be a beautiful and fulfilling relationship, but one that can be fraught with lots of challenges. When a couple continually experiences negativity and conflict within their marriage it can take a toll on the relationship . How can we know whether that pattern of conflict will result in divorce?  

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist and researcher who has spent more than four decades studying relationships and marriage. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which is dedicated to helping couples improve their relationships and reduce the divorce rate.Through extensive research Dr. Gottman identified four negative communication patterns that he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which can predict divorce with 93% accuracy. The Four Horsemen are:

CRITICISM: The first Horseman is Criticism. Criticism is different from offering constructive feedback; it involves attacking your partner's personality or character. For example, saying "You always forget to take out the trash. You're so lazy!" Instead, you could say "I noticed the trash hasn't been taken out. Can we discuss how we can improve our routine?" Criticism is destructive because it puts your partner on the defensive, leading to more arguments.

DEFENSIVENESS: The second Horseman is Defensiveness. When you feel attacked or criticized, your natural reaction might be to defend yourself. However, this can escalate the argument because it sends the message that you don't take responsibility for your actions. Instead, try to understand your partner's perspective and validate their feelings. For example, if your partner says, "You never listen to me," you could say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's talk about how we can improve our communication."

CONTEMPT: The third Horseman is Contempt. Contempt is the most destructive Horseman because it involves attacking your partner's sense of self-worth. Examples of contempt include eye-rolling, name-calling, and sarcasm. Contempt is a clear sign of disrespect and can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. Instead, focus on communicating with respect and empathy. Remember to always treat your partner with kindness.

STONEWALLING: The fourth Horseman is Stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down or withdraws from the conversation, refusing to engage. This behavior sends the message that you're not interested in resolving the issue, which can leave your partner feeling frustrated and unheard. Instead, take a break if you need to, but come back to the conversation when you're ready. Let your partner know that you're willing to work on the issue together.

The Four Horsemen are dangerous communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. To avoid them, it's important to practice healthy communication habits, such as active listening, validating your partner's feelings, and speaking respectfully. Dr. Gottman’s book The Love Prescription is an excellent resource for working on changing these negative patterns. However, if these patterns have continued for a long time and you have tried everything to improve your relationship without any improvement, it may be time to consider divorce.

If the Four Horsemen are present in your marriage and you need to educate yourself about the divorce process, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at 609-223-2099 to set up a consultation.

Finding Meaning After Loss

In 2020 there was a collective loss that we all experienced. We lost our normal everyday lives; employment, gathering, work-place connection, school for our children, the touch of our loved ones, travel, the health of our world and community and so much more. On top of this collective loss, many of us suffered terrible personal losses as well; making 2020 a year of such profound loss that it challenged us in how we processed our grief.  In 2020, I lost something that I loved and then more tragically at the end of the year I lost someone that I loved.  Those losses changed both my internal landscape and my everyday world in profound ways and forced me to look at the emotional work of grief and loss in a different way.

As human beings, I think that we all try to find meaning when we suffer loss. Both in why the tragic circumstance happened to us and then in the meaning that the loss will give to our lives moving forward.  David Kessler, a world renowned expert on grief and co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (the late Swiss-American psychiatrist famous for her Kubler-Ross method comprised of the 5 Stages of Grief), wrote his latest book after the death of his 21 year old son, called Finding Meaning, which he describes as the 6th Stage of Grief.

In our fast-paced society, many of us are quick to skip over the work of grief and to jump to this later step; gratitude, purpose and meaning.  Perhaps even before we have felt the feelings necessary to find that sense of meaning.  Kessler cautions us not to try to find meaning in the loss itself, stating that “loss is not a blessing or a test, but rather something that happens to each of us.” That you don’t have to be “grateful for the trauma of loss, but that you can be grateful for what you learn from it.”  He importantly notes “finding meaning can’t happen until you feel your pain.”  Which is the work of processing those other important steps; numbness/denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance.

Unfortunately, no one can do the work of grief for you and for each of us it may look very different. However, Kessler’s website grief.com is a wonderful resource for how to process and manage your grief.  It includes a particularly interesting post about the six elements you need when you are in grief. These elements while seemingly intuitive are helpful to keep in mind:

1. Surround yourself with community –this includes all kinds of people- those who “go deep” or are good listeners, people who can distract you, people who push or encourage you etc.

2. Continued connections (applicable to keeping connection to a deceased loved one)

3. Your Grief Does Not Define You

4. Treat yourself as your best friend- how would your best friend or the kindest person you know treat you?

5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others- it’s okay that others are at a different place than you are in their grief/post-grief growth

6. Count Your Wins- think of the little things you are accomplishing or doing that are moving you forward and give yourself praise for them.

Divorce and other family law issues can be a kind of loss akin to a kind of death; the death of a marriage, the death of family life as you have known it, perhaps even the death of a part of your identity. I have learned through my own losses and the people that I help every day, that it is important to give yourself time to process your feelings and to grieve, however long it may take.

Are you ready to work through your loss and find meaning again?  We are here to support you in the painful grief work around your divorce and family law matter, to help you navigate your legal issues and find meaning in your loss. Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Top 5 Tips for Navigating Summer Parenting Time Issues

Summer is supposed to be the most relaxed time of the year and for many of us the time of year when we can enjoy vacation time with our kids.  But planning summer day trips, camps, activities, get-togethers with family and summer vacations can be difficult.  Plus figuring how to pay for all of this can be stressful. Especially, for those of us who are divorced or separated. Here are my top tips for navigating summer parenting time issues:

1. Keep Your Cool: Although temperatures are soaring- no need to follow suit. Be flexible whenever possible, disengage from fighting over and “sweating the small stuff” and try to keep the atmosphere as relaxed and cool as possible. Ultimately, your children’s enjoyment of their time with both their parents is influenced by how much stress and tension is brought into every visit, overnight and vacation- so play it cool;
2. Work Out a Schedule in Advance: This is the time to dust off your parenting time agreement and make sure you both are on the same page about vacation times, long-holiday weekends and changes in scheduling for the summer. Being clear on travel dates, itineraries, and pick-up and drop-offs will avoid unnecessary confusion and disagreements;
3. Work Out Who Pays for What In Advance: Camps, daycare, day trips, beach days, and travel costs all add up and can create hostilities and resentments that flow into co-parenting. Make sure you’ve worked out the cost of these items well in advance and have agreed on how these costs will be shared;
4. Put Your Children First: Don’t be such a slave to a written parenting time agreement that you forget that the goal of these agreements is the best interests of your children. Encourage time with the other parent. Be reasonable. Ask your children what THEY want to do and be available to hear their answers- maybe this means being flexible about travel dates, pick-up times or changing parenting time days;
5. Learn How to Disagree: If you can’t work out summer parenting time issues or vacation planning- or think you might get stuck on how to resolve a summer parenting time issue- before heading to court try alternative dispute resolution options. This could be working with a co-parenting counselor or participating in mediation. These professionals can be invaluable in getting you back on track in time to enjoy your summer.

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For more information on how to navigate your summer parenting time issues or for help mediating a summer parenting time issue, please contact Georgia Fraser at Fraser Family Law Office at 609-223-2099.

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