Finding Meaning After Loss

In 2020 there was a collective loss that we all experienced. We lost our normal everyday lives; employment, gathering, work-place connection, school for our children, the touch of our loved ones, travel, the health of our world and community and so much more. On top of this collective loss, many of us suffered terrible personal losses as well; making 2020 a year of such profound loss that it challenged us in how we processed our grief.  In 2020, I lost something that I loved and then more tragically at the end of the year I lost someone that I loved.  Those losses changed both my internal landscape and my everyday world in profound ways and forced me to look at the emotional work of grief and loss in a different way.

As human beings, I think that we all try to find meaning when we suffer loss. Both in why the tragic circumstance happened to us and then in the meaning that the loss will give to our lives moving forward.  David Kessler, a world renowned expert on grief and co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (the late Swiss-American psychiatrist famous for her Kubler-Ross method comprised of the 5 Stages of Grief), wrote his latest book after the death of his 21 year old son, called Finding Meaning, which he describes as the 6th Stage of Grief.

In our fast-paced society, many of us are quick to skip over the work of grief and to jump to this later step; gratitude, purpose and meaning.  Perhaps even before we have felt the feelings necessary to find that sense of meaning.  Kessler cautions us not to try to find meaning in the loss itself, stating that “loss is not a blessing or a test, but rather something that happens to each of us.” That you don’t have to be “grateful for the trauma of loss, but that you can be grateful for what you learn from it.”  He importantly notes “finding meaning can’t happen until you feel your pain.”  Which is the work of processing those other important steps; numbness/denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance.

Unfortunately, no one can do the work of grief for you and for each of us it may look very different. However, Kessler’s website grief.com is a wonderful resource for how to process and manage your grief.  It includes a particularly interesting post about the six elements you need when you are in grief. These elements while seemingly intuitive are helpful to keep in mind:

1. Surround yourself with community –this includes all kinds of people- those who “go deep” or are good listeners, people who can distract you, people who push or encourage you etc.

2. Continued connections (applicable to keeping connection to a deceased loved one)

3. Your Grief Does Not Define You

4. Treat yourself as your best friend- how would your best friend or the kindest person you know treat you?

5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others- it’s okay that others are at a different place than you are in their grief/post-grief growth

6. Count Your Wins- think of the little things you are accomplishing or doing that are moving you forward and give yourself praise for them.

Divorce and other family law issues can be a kind of loss akin to a kind of death; the death of a marriage, the death of family life as you have known it, perhaps even the death of a part of your identity. I have learned through my own losses and the people that I help every day, that it is important to give yourself time to process your feelings and to grieve, however long it may take.

Are you ready to work through your loss and find meaning again?  We are here to support you in the painful grief work around your divorce and family law matter, to help you navigate your legal issues and find meaning in your loss. Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Re-Framing Your Story

This summer I did something truly amazing and truly crazy. I decided to add a 9-week old Golden Retriever puppy (meet Teddy) to our already overly busy, working-mother with her own law practice, one-dog and a 9- year old household. I find that the things that you love the most are also the things that test you the most and offer you a glimpse into the story you tell about yourself.  Our children are a perfect example. The inadequacy that parenting our children brings necessarily invites a story. Sometimes one that is pretty self-shaming.

So it comes as no surprise that the raising of this little puppy also comes with its own set of invitations around my self-story telling. It seems everyday that there is some new behavior or challenge with this confident little guy and I can’t say that with our hectic life that I am always perfectly resourced to know how to handle them. Growling at an adult dog while walking on the street, bloodying our 3 year old Black Lab in puppy MMA kamikaze-style attacks, resource guarding a squeaky toy, peeing in his crate at night without making a peep . . . it goes on and on and on.  Of course, the story that I am sometimes tempted to tell myself is that I need to be doing “more” or that if I had handled it better this wouldn’t be happening.  That if I were a perfect puppy Mommy he would be a more perfect puppy. Oh, silly, silly human.

I’m guessing by now you understand that the puppy story is a metaphor. There are lots of puppy stories we tell ourselves in life- some much, much more serious than tales of housebreaking and shoe chewing. And depending on the particular puppy story we tell we can be cast as victims, we can be survivors or we can be thrivers. I came across this concept recently and I found it so striking in terms of my own emotional growth, but also the growth and arc of the people that I meet in my family law practice.

So what is the difference you ask between these roles. I found the following chart to be so interesting and helpful:

View fullsize

Personal trauma, whatever the cause, can cast us in the role of victim or survivor and sometimes the stories that we continue to tell ourselves can keep us stuck there.  So how do we move to the point where we are a thriver, where we are leading a life of wholeness and joy?  I think learning to re-frame our story is a critical piece.

So back to my puppy story- I decided to re-frame my story in a way that makes me feel more open and possible around this new adventure -if not quite to the point where I feel like a fantastic puppy Mommy.  When I started to feel inadequate to the task –I used my problem solving/researchy super-powers and resourced the heck out of it. An awesome dog-walker (thank you Simon), 9 puppy books later, reaching out to every family member, friend and colleague who had ever brought a second dog into their household, asking help from our breeder and finally enrolling Teddy in a drop-in training program (have a good day at school-Mommy’s going to the office style stuff).

How to re-frame your story in the middle of family crisis or divorce asks you to build the same muscle.  To feel more open and possible you must be open to seeing possibilities, to asking for help, and to offering yourself more self-acceptance and love.

Are you ready to be a thriver? Want to meet Teddy? (He’s training to become our office emotional support animal and available for belly rubs) Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Contribution to College Costs—Does my relationship with my child matter?

One of the most common post divorce litigation issues that I see involves the selection and contribution toward college costs.  Usually divorce agreements fall into two categories; those that specify exactly what the parties’ contribution toward college will be and those that indicate that a determination of the parties’ contribution will “abide the event,” and be based upon a consideration of the parties’ abilities to pay and the other common law factors found in the seminal case Newburgh v. Arrigo.   Both of these provisions often lead to litigation because of the failure to be able to reach agreement as to not only which college should the child or children choose (the costs of which can vary in staggering amounts), but also the parties’ abilities to contribute to these costs.

What is the law around college contribution?

In New Jersey parents have an obligation to contribute toward the college education of their children and, in fact, college contribution is considered a form of chid support. However, the determination of whether parents should be required to contribute toward their child’s college education costs is a fact sensitive determination. The seminal case utilized to determine whether parents should contribute to their children’s college expenses is Newburgh v Arrigo, which sets forth a 12 factor analysis.  These factors are as follows:

1. 1 whether the parent would have contributed toward the costs of the requested higher education if they still lived together

2. the background values and goals of the parent and the reasonableness of the expectation that the child attain higher education

3. the amount sought by the child for the cost of higher education

4. the ability of the parent to pay that cost

5. the relationship of the requested contribution to the kind of school or course of study sought by the child

6. the financial resources of both parents

7. the commitment to and aptitude of the child for the requested education

8. the financial resources of the child, including assets owned individually or held in custodianship or trust

9. the ability of the child to earn income during the school year or on vacation

10. the availability of financial aid in the form of college grants and loans

11. the child's relationship to the paying parent, including mutual affection and shared goals as well as responsiveness to parental advice and guidance, and

12. the relationship of the education requested to any prior training and to the overall long-range goals of the child.

However, these factors do not apply and are not to be considered in cases in which the parties have reached a specific agreement as to their contribution toward college unless it is proven that the parties’ agreement is unfair and inequitable or their has been a material change in circumstance since the agreement. (See Avellino v Catabran)

What if I have an Estranged Relationship with my child?

The Answer is – it depends.  In my recent Appellate Division case K.L.B.v. R.B the Court upheld the parties’ agreement for a specific percentage contribution toward their children’s college costs despite the father’s estrangement from his children because there was no material change in circumstance from this estrangement which had existed at the time of the entry of the parties’ Marital Settlement Agreement.

However, the Courts in New Jersey have excused parents under other fact patterns (after a fact sensitive analysis) from their obligation toward their children’s college expenses. In Gac v. Gac, a child sought to have her estranged father pay her college loans. The court examined the Newburgh factors and held that under the circumstances, the parent did not have to pay the child’s college loans. While the court clearly reinforced that a relationship between the parent and child was not necessary for the court to order that the estranged parent pay for higher education, in this case the parent was relieved of his obligation because he was never asked to pay for college until after the expense had been incurred and he was never consulted about his daughter’s decisions to pursue higher education. The Gac case provides some general guidelines to consider in your college contribution case: 1) a child or his/her parent should make the request of the noncustodial parent for contribution before incurring college debt; 2) the parent or child should discuss with the other parent the choice to pursue higher education; and 3) the issue should be brought before the court prior to incurring the debt.

In 2014 , the chancery division case of Black v. Black again dealt with this issue of estrangement as a consideration in a college contribution case. The court again held that a parents’ contribution to college costs in New Jersey is not dependent on a close or non-estranged parent-child relationship. The court noted its concern that a parent not be able to get out of paying for college by intentionally avoiding any relationship with their child. In this case, it was the child who did not want a relationship with the father. Noting that the parents had previously agreed that father and son would attend counseling together so that they could work on their relationship, and that they did not in fact attend counseling sessions, the court ordered that the father’s contribution toward his son’s college was contingent on the son’s obligation to attend joint counseling sessions with his father.  (It should be noted that this case is not considered binding on the higher courts because it is a chancery or trial court level case).

What does this mean for my case?

If you are in the middle of a post-divorce litigation over college contribution, it is very important that your counsel understand not only the case law surrounding college contribution but the specific facts of your case- as these cases really turn on a fact-sensitive analysis. If you are in the middle of the divorce process and have not yet signed a Marital Settlement Agreement, it is also extremely important that your agreement reflect your intent regarding your contribution toward your child’s college education as well as to protect you with regard to your potential future contribution toward these costs.

To find out more about contribution toward college expenses in divorce, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC at 609-223-2099.

Making Self-Care a Habit

For many of us self-care is synonymous with things like trips to the spa or once a year vacation and is permissioned perhaps as only an intermittent break from the stress of our everyday lives. But I believe that a habit of true self-care is essential to how we stay present in our lives, how we resource ourselves to make better decisions and create the sense of agency necessary to make changes.  It is also the well from which we draw our energy to give and care for others. But how many of us are running on empty all the time between work and home life?  How often is taking care of yourself the thing that comes last or the first thing to go when your schedule goes sideways?

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently who was looking to make big changes in his life.  We talked a lot about what the block to those bigger changes were and during the course of our discussion he revealed how little of himself was present in his everyday life; always working, doing, taking care of others. How could my friend hope to make these big changes for himself when he wasn’t creating a habit of taking care of himself every day? Here is the advice I gave to my friend:

1. Prioritize Rest: We are a society that disdains rest and glorifies “doing.” But rest – the good old-fashioned close your eyes kind -is essential not only to the body’s repair but to the repair of the emotional and psychic toll that the stress of everyday life takes on all of us.  Rest is where the energy to create and change is built. So my advice was – to find a soft place to land every day if even for 10 minutes. Close eyes. Slow your breath. Let your mind wander.

2. Learn to Say No:  How many of us push ourselves to do things when we’re tapped out, or say “yes” to something that really should just be a no. I heard a great interview of producer Shonda Rhimes in which she revealed that she cultivated a perfect “no,” by saying “No, I’m not able to.” Period. Full-stop.  Try hers or come up with your own- but cultivate more “no’s” in order to say “yes” to yourself more.

3. Don’t Take On More Than You’re Resourced For:  This is a corollary of “no,” but the obvious truth is that when you’re on empty- it’s a full-stop until you’ve re-filled the tank. This could mean more rest, more play, more joy, more connection. Whatever it is that re-fuels you.

4. Establish Your VIP Rope:  You know those exclusive clubs where there is a bouncer and vip rope that only the select people can get behind- well access to you should look like that too. Figure out who the energy vampires are and who are the people that restore and re-fuel you and establish the rules around VIP access.

5. Stay With Your Joy:  Ever go on a weekend trip with a friend and have so much fun you wonder why you don’t do “that” more often? Find ways to bring whatever “that” is into your everyday life. Its really easy to lose the thread of your own happiness in a routine that has so little of YOU in it. So find a way to say connected to yourself by staying connected to the things you love to do. (The good news is that the more you say no to what isn’t your joy the more you can say yes to what is).

Ready to take better care of yourself?  For more information about family law issues contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office, LLC  at 609-223-2099.

Are there Energy Vampires in YOUR life?

As you can probably guess from some of my blog posts, I’m a big proponent of practicing good self-care. And there are many different ways we can practice self-care; regular exercise, meditation, a healthy diet, and one of my personal favorites (and the subject of my REST blog post)- a habit of good sleep. But over the years, I have come to realize there is another really important aspect of self-care that many of us don’t exercise frequently enough that is critical not only to our health but to our enjoyment of our lives, and that is practicing healthy boundaries with unhealthy people. The figurative VIP rope we establish to allow access to our interior lives.

I find that one of the main stresses that my family law clients experience is having to deal with the angry, unreasonable or downright abusive actions of their spouse or partner. These are sometimes just garden variety hurt and angry individuals, but more often in my experience they are individuals with significant personality disorders or mental health problems; the narcissist, those with borderline personality disorder or other serious anger management problems.   In these situations, the hypervigilance that is required to deal with these impossible partners leaves many of my clients feeling worn out. Oftentimes, angry and abusive conduct that can no longer happen in person is channeled through co-parenting of children or through litigation tactics themselves. And the question becomes how do reasonable people navigate these unreasonable situations? How do you disengage from this abusive dynamic?

I recently read a fantastic book that I am literally telling all my friends about, “Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath’s Guide to Evading Relationships that Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power,” by Dr. Christian Northrup, M.D.  Dr. Northrup categorizes the type of difficult individuals I laid out above as “vampires,” and categorizes the dynamics of the vampire relationship as one in which the “vampire,” manipulates others for their “narcissistic supply.”  “Narcissistic supply” is “ a concept introduced into psychoanalytic theory in 1938 to describe a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment and essential to their self-esteem.” The term is typically used in a negative sense describing a pathological need for attention, admiration from codependents . . .that does not take into account the feelings, opinions or preferences of other people.”  She describes this “narcissistic supply” as the blood that manipulative people suck out of their victims- picking fights, creating unnecessary drama and “doing whatever else is necessary to direct energy, attention, and money toward themselves.”  She said that you will know whether you have a vampire in your life by how you feel after you’re with them- DRAINED.

Dr. Northrup goes on to describe in detail the health risks that are attendant with being a part of such unbalanced relationships. On a basic level she indicates that this can lead to physical symptoms because of the “chronic, unrelenting release of stress hormones in the body.”  Which can also lead to much more serious impact on the immune system and create susceptibility to all kinds of infectious diseases, including autoimmune disease. 

Where do we access the proverbial bushel of garlic or wooden stake antidote to these vampires? She suggests that the best way is by creating strong boundaries, developing the ability to say “NO,” and limiting or ending these relationships where possible. Although this may sound impossible when forced to deal with the other person in a family law or divorce situations- especially where co-parenting is required-  boundary setting can be a powerful tool in disengaging from unnecessary drama and conflict.

It is clear to me that good boundary setting is a process of not only asserting to the other person how you want to be treated and what you will accept but also a commitment to yourself as to where you will engage and put your own energy.  In limiting the access that unhealthy people have to you and your life – you create room for the people and things that you actually enjoy. You also create more space for yourself- your thoughts, your dreams – what YOU want. 

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Need help getting rid of an energy vampire or creating better boundaries in your family law situation, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office at 609-223-2099.

Top 5 Tips for Navigating Summer Parenting Time Issues

Summer is supposed to be the most relaxed time of the year and for many of us the time of year when we can enjoy vacation time with our kids.  But planning summer day trips, camps, activities, get-togethers with family and summer vacations can be difficult.  Plus figuring how to pay for all of this can be stressful. Especially, for those of us who are divorced or separated. Here are my top tips for navigating summer parenting time issues:

1. Keep Your Cool: Although temperatures are soaring- no need to follow suit. Be flexible whenever possible, disengage from fighting over and “sweating the small stuff” and try to keep the atmosphere as relaxed and cool as possible. Ultimately, your children’s enjoyment of their time with both their parents is influenced by how much stress and tension is brought into every visit, overnight and vacation- so play it cool;
2. Work Out a Schedule in Advance: This is the time to dust off your parenting time agreement and make sure you both are on the same page about vacation times, long-holiday weekends and changes in scheduling for the summer. Being clear on travel dates, itineraries, and pick-up and drop-offs will avoid unnecessary confusion and disagreements;
3. Work Out Who Pays for What In Advance: Camps, daycare, day trips, beach days, and travel costs all add up and can create hostilities and resentments that flow into co-parenting. Make sure you’ve worked out the cost of these items well in advance and have agreed on how these costs will be shared;
4. Put Your Children First: Don’t be such a slave to a written parenting time agreement that you forget that the goal of these agreements is the best interests of your children. Encourage time with the other parent. Be reasonable. Ask your children what THEY want to do and be available to hear their answers- maybe this means being flexible about travel dates, pick-up times or changing parenting time days;
5. Learn How to Disagree: If you can’t work out summer parenting time issues or vacation planning- or think you might get stuck on how to resolve a summer parenting time issue- before heading to court try alternative dispute resolution options. This could be working with a co-parenting counselor or participating in mediation. These professionals can be invaluable in getting you back on track in time to enjoy your summer.

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For more information on how to navigate your summer parenting time issues or for help mediating a summer parenting time issue, please contact Georgia Fraser at Fraser Family Law Office at 609-223-2099.

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How To Live Twice Blessed; Why Giving Is Truly Better Than Receiving.

Shakespeare famously wrote- giving is “twice blessed,” it blesses the giver and the receiver. And nowadays there are so many different ways to give (including being prompted at every checkout line to donate to various causes and being able to text donations from your phone) that we almost overlook the power that giving has to transform not only the lives of others but our own lives.  The religious model tells us that we should give of “our time, talent and treasure.” And while I strongly believe in the importance of giving money to worthy charities and causes as our sacred duty as the most privileged beings on the planet, I find that it is in giving my time or talent to something or someone that I care about that I receive the great gift that comes from giving; connection, gratitude and sometimes even a kind of grace.

There are many studies on giving that show that people who give are happier. In fact, the University of Notre Dame has a Science of Generosity Initiative that is focusing on studying the causes, manifestations and consequences of generosity. This initiative is exploring how people can realize acts of generosity as essential to not only their ability to connect and transform the lives of others, but as an essential component to their own happiness.

I recently read Arrianna Huffington’s book “Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom and Wonder,” (which I previously noted in my prior blog post about rest as promoting the power of sleep). Ms. Huffington posits that an essential component of this new metric of defining success is Giving.  In Thrive, she asks us to “imagine how our culture, how our lives, will change when we begin valuing go-givers as much as we value go-getters.”

At this time of year when we pause to give thanks and to remember the gifts, big and small that we have been given, let’s also think about where we have room to give.  This can include donating to worthy causes, to our religious organizations and to charities doing amazing work to help people in our community and the world around us. But it can also include giving of our time and talent; small acts of kindness, moments where we reach out to help someone, and being present for the people in our lives and in our community.

If you need help with a family law issue, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC 609-223-2099.

Here’s What You Need to Know About the New Law on Relocation

Looking to Move Out of State or Keep Your Child From Being Relocated – Here’s What You Need to Know About the New Law on Relocation.

In August, the New Jersey Supreme Court departed from the legal standard that had been in place for 16 years as it pertains to relocation by a custodial parent from the State of New Jersey.   Bisbing v. Bisbing, 2017 N.J. LEXIS 830, 2017 WL 3392717 (N.J. Aug. 8, 2017). If you have a potential relocation issue in your divorce or custody case, it is important that you educate yourself as to how this change in the law impacts you. 

Here is an overview of the basics:

1. You cannot remove your child from the State of New Jersey without an Order of the Court or Consent of the Other Parent:

N.J.S.A 9:2-2 entitled: “Custody of children of divorced or separated parents within jurisdiction of Superior Court; removal from jurisdiction; consent; security”

states:

When the Superior Court has jurisdiction over the custody and maintenance of the minor children of parents divorced, separated or living separate, and such children are natives of this State, or have resided five years within its limits, they shall not be removed out of its jurisdiction against their own consent, if of suitable age to signify the same, nor while under that age without the consent of both parents, unless the court, upon cause shown, shall otherwise order. The court, upon application of any person in behalf of such minors, may require such security and issue such writs and processes as shall be deemed proper to effect the purposes of this section.

N.J.S.A. 9:2-2.

2. The party seeking to relocate must show “cause” before a court will permit the removal of a child from the State of New Jersey:

N.J.S.A. 9:2-2 requires a showing of “cause” by the party seeking relocation, before a court will authorize the permanent removal of a child to another state without consent of both parents.

3. Best Interests of the Child Standard Now Governs (Old Standard (Baures v. Lewis) v. New Standard (Bisbing v. Bisbing)

The old standard set forth under Baures v. Lewis  involved the application by the court of a two-prong test in situations in which there is a primary custodial parent, which was (1) that there is a good faith reason for the move and (2) that the move would not be inimical to the best interests of the child. 167 N.J. 91 (2001). The New Jersey Supreme Court in Bisbing departed from the Baures two-part test and rather indicated that in all relocation disputes where the parties share joint legal custody that, “the trial court should decide whether there is “cause” under N.J.S.A. 9:2–2 to authorize a child’s relocation out of state by weighing the factors set forth in N.J.S.A. 9:2–4, and other relevant considerations, and determining whether the relocation is in the child’s best interests.” Bisbing, [emphasis added] 2017 N.J. LEXIS 830, 40.

The Court in Bisbing, indicates that, “[t]he Legislature required a showing of "cause" for an out-of-state relocation under N.J.S.A. 9:2-2 in order ‘to preserve the rights of the noncustodial parent and the child to maintain and develop their familial relationship.’” (citing to Holder v. Polanski, 111 N.J. 344, 350, 544 A.2d 852 (1988) (quoting Cooper v. Cooper, 99 N.J. 42, 50, 491 A.2d 606 (1984)).  In determining whether the relocation is in the child’s best interests, the Court has indicated that “the trial court should decide whether there is “cause” under N.J.S.A. 9:2–2 to authorize a child’s relocation out of state by weighing the factors set forth in N.J.S.A. 9:2–4, and other relevant considerations.” The factors to be considered under N.J.S.A. 9:2-4 are as follows:

the parents’ ability to agree, communicate and cooperate in matters relating to the child; the parents’ willingness to accept custody and any history of unwillingness to allow parenting time not based on substantiated abuse; the interaction and relationship of the child with its parents and siblings; the history of domestic violence, if any; the safety of the child and the safety of either parent from physical abuse by the other parent; the preference of the child when of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent decision; the needs of the child; the stability of the home environment offered; the quality and continuity of the child’s education; the fitness of the parents; the geographical proximity of the parents’ homes; the extent and quality of the time spent with the child prior to or subsequent to the separation; the parents’ employment responsibilities; and the age and number of the children. A parent shall not be deemed unfit unless the parents’ conduct has a substantial adverse effect on the child.

N.J.S.A. 9:2-4.

Relocation issues present some of the most difficult family law cases because of the competing needs to preserve the child’s relationship with their parent at the same time taking into consideration the potential benefits to the child of a relocation.  It is important to understand how this new law impacts you in negotiating and litigating your custody case.

For more information about relocation or any other custody issues, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office LLC. 609-223-2099.

Getting Centered: The Power of Rest

The dog days of summer are upon us and a lot of us are enjoying much needed getaways and vacation time with friends and family. In keeping with my “R” theme (check out my blog posts on Resolve, Readiness and Resilience) I want to focus on an under-rated but powerful tool not only for stress-relief but for getting centered; REST. Yes, you heard it. I’m advocating doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is the most powerful way of gaining the perspective, strength, insight and energy to move boldly forward. In doing nothing we sometimes are empowered to do something; to make changes. We also sometimes realize where we need to do nothing; to not engage with a person or situation, to avoid being overly-reactive. In rest we pause, we pay attention to our internal dialogue, we hear ourselves and we practice being present in our lives. We get centered.

But I’m not talking about a once a year rest or even a quarterly vacation. I am talking about a regular (dare we dream daily) habit of resting. In our fast-paced existence we all feel its impossible to slow down. And yet daily rest is incorporated into the working lives of people all over the world.  We have all heard of siesta in Spain and Italy has its own version called riposo or posolino where shops and businesses close for several hours in the afternoon so people can go home for a long lunch or a nap. This practice also happens in many other European countries or countries with extreme weather. In both China and Japan “public napping” called inemuri in Japanese (translated as “being present while sleeping”) is a culturally accepted practice with employees napping at their desks during work hours.

In our culture, we believe to some extent that rest is self-indulgent or lazy and only acceptable AFTER we have exhausted ourselves to the point that it is justified. But the science of sleep and rest has shown that sleep and rest is directly related to being productive. Thankfully, the zeitgeist is changing. I listened to a great podcast interview of Ariana Huffington, the multi-media mogul and creator of the Huffington Post. She has written extensively about the benefits of more sleep (has a great TED talk on this topic) and has even incorporated nap rooms in her corporate offices for her employee’s daily use.  In the last few years, Mark Bertolini, the CEO of Aetna has offered free meditation and yoga classes to his employees and has reduced health care costs and increased productivity.

Rest is not just about being more productive or energizing us for our lives, it is also a necessary pause that allows us to hear our true selves.  That helps us get centered. The poet David Whyte says that in rest “we breathe as the body intended us to breathe. When we give and take in this foundational way we are closest to the authentic self, and closest to that self when we are most rested. To rest is not self indulgent, to rest is to prepare to give the best of ourselves, and to perhaps, most importantly, arrive at a place where we are able to understand what we have already been given.”

So I encourage you all to slow down; use your vacation days and don’t check email, put your devices away in the evening and listen to your spouse and children, don’t work through lunch, close your eyes for 20 minutes when your children are napping or watching t.v., leave the laundry for another day (its not going anywhere), and take a sharpie to the unimportant parts of your schedule. To prioritize rest and relaxation the way we do trips to the gym or other types of self-care. Because in resting we re-charge, we pause to hear ourselves and we are able to bring our best selves to our lives. Wishing you all a restful rest of the summer.

For more information about family law issues and for help bringing your best self to your life, contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office, LLCat 609-223-2099.

Getting Through: Why Connection is Key.

One of my favorite movies is Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life. (If you haven’t seen it. . .what are you waiting for? It’s a classic for a reason!) That final scene when George Bailey’s friends all show up – never fails to bring a tear to my eye. But why is it that George’s inclination through the movie, like all of us do at times, is to feel that he has nowhere to turn, to disconnect himself from his friends and family and to try to go it alone. Why is it that in times of trouble we sometimes isolate ourselves at the moment we most need support? Why do we tend to forget that connection is key to our mental health and happiness?

What is connection? Brene Brown defines it as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment and where they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

There have been numerous studies that have shown that social connection improves not only our psychological well-being, but also our physical health.  With lack of social connectedness having a greater impact on our health than obesity, smoking or high blood pressure.   There are a number of studies and even an interesting TED talk (Johann Hari) that investigate whether a component of addiction is related to an individual’s inability to be present and bond or connect with others. These harken back to the Rat Park Experiments conducted by psychologist Bruce K. Alexander, where rats that were caged alone chose water laced with heroin and became addicted, whereas rats that were caged with other rats, chose plain water and did not.

When I thought to start my own law practice, I was to be candid, terrified.  It felt like a huge leap. My first inclination was to get under the bed and hide.   A friend of mine sat me down and said, “take the leap, you won’t fall, there will be so many hands that will reach out to catch you.”  And there were (you know who you are and thank you to all of you).  But first I had to reach toward connection.  I had to be present and share my real self.  And the funny thing is that the more real I was with colleagues and friends, both old and new, the more hands there were reaching out to help me.  I didn’t fall.

In my family law practice, I am witness to so many people’s heartache and sadness. And I see where people can become deeply stuck.  In meetings, clients share stories and express feeling embarrassed or alone. They feel that what is happening to them doesn’t happen to anyone else. They sometimes express deep shame. They are clearly suffering.  I see that their sense of “otherness” is leading them away from valuable and healing connection.

I encourage them, as I was encouraged, to be brave enough to share their most real and vulnerable selves with friends, colleagues and loved ones.  To reach toward connection.  Maybe push themselves to go out with friends, talk candidly to their parents, find a good counselor or reconnect to their faith.  Connection is key because like George Bailey learns, we all touch each other’s lives in unfathomable ways and in the end, our connection to each other is all that really matters.

Looking for help connecting in your life? We’re here to help you get through your toughest family law moments.  Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at 609-223-2099.