Finding Meaning After Loss

In 2020 there was a collective loss that we all experienced. We lost our normal everyday lives; employment, gathering, work-place connection, school for our children, the touch of our loved ones, travel, the health of our world and community and so much more. On top of this collective loss, many of us suffered terrible personal losses as well; making 2020 a year of such profound loss that it challenged us in how we processed our grief.  In 2020, I lost something that I loved and then more tragically at the end of the year I lost someone that I loved.  Those losses changed both my internal landscape and my everyday world in profound ways and forced me to look at the emotional work of grief and loss in a different way.

As human beings, I think that we all try to find meaning when we suffer loss. Both in why the tragic circumstance happened to us and then in the meaning that the loss will give to our lives moving forward.  David Kessler, a world renowned expert on grief and co-author with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (the late Swiss-American psychiatrist famous for her Kubler-Ross method comprised of the 5 Stages of Grief), wrote his latest book after the death of his 21 year old son, called Finding Meaning, which he describes as the 6th Stage of Grief.

In our fast-paced society, many of us are quick to skip over the work of grief and to jump to this later step; gratitude, purpose and meaning.  Perhaps even before we have felt the feelings necessary to find that sense of meaning.  Kessler cautions us not to try to find meaning in the loss itself, stating that “loss is not a blessing or a test, but rather something that happens to each of us.” That you don’t have to be “grateful for the trauma of loss, but that you can be grateful for what you learn from it.”  He importantly notes “finding meaning can’t happen until you feel your pain.”  Which is the work of processing those other important steps; numbness/denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance.

Unfortunately, no one can do the work of grief for you and for each of us it may look very different. However, Kessler’s website grief.com is a wonderful resource for how to process and manage your grief.  It includes a particularly interesting post about the six elements you need when you are in grief. These elements while seemingly intuitive are helpful to keep in mind:

1. Surround yourself with community –this includes all kinds of people- those who “go deep” or are good listeners, people who can distract you, people who push or encourage you etc.

2. Continued connections (applicable to keeping connection to a deceased loved one)

3. Your Grief Does Not Define You

4. Treat yourself as your best friend- how would your best friend or the kindest person you know treat you?

5. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others- it’s okay that others are at a different place than you are in their grief/post-grief growth

6. Count Your Wins- think of the little things you are accomplishing or doing that are moving you forward and give yourself praise for them.

Divorce and other family law issues can be a kind of loss akin to a kind of death; the death of a marriage, the death of family life as you have known it, perhaps even the death of a part of your identity. I have learned through my own losses and the people that I help every day, that it is important to give yourself time to process your feelings and to grieve, however long it may take.

Are you ready to work through your loss and find meaning again?  We are here to support you in the painful grief work around your divorce and family law matter, to help you navigate your legal issues and find meaning in your loss. Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Re-Framing Your Story

This summer I did something truly amazing and truly crazy. I decided to add a 9-week old Golden Retriever puppy (meet Teddy) to our already overly busy, working-mother with her own law practice, one-dog and a 9- year old household. I find that the things that you love the most are also the things that test you the most and offer you a glimpse into the story you tell about yourself.  Our children are a perfect example. The inadequacy that parenting our children brings necessarily invites a story. Sometimes one that is pretty self-shaming.

So it comes as no surprise that the raising of this little puppy also comes with its own set of invitations around my self-story telling. It seems everyday that there is some new behavior or challenge with this confident little guy and I can’t say that with our hectic life that I am always perfectly resourced to know how to handle them. Growling at an adult dog while walking on the street, bloodying our 3 year old Black Lab in puppy MMA kamikaze-style attacks, resource guarding a squeaky toy, peeing in his crate at night without making a peep . . . it goes on and on and on.  Of course, the story that I am sometimes tempted to tell myself is that I need to be doing “more” or that if I had handled it better this wouldn’t be happening.  That if I were a perfect puppy Mommy he would be a more perfect puppy. Oh, silly, silly human.

I’m guessing by now you understand that the puppy story is a metaphor. There are lots of puppy stories we tell ourselves in life- some much, much more serious than tales of housebreaking and shoe chewing. And depending on the particular puppy story we tell we can be cast as victims, we can be survivors or we can be thrivers. I came across this concept recently and I found it so striking in terms of my own emotional growth, but also the growth and arc of the people that I meet in my family law practice.

So what is the difference you ask between these roles. I found the following chart to be so interesting and helpful:

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Personal trauma, whatever the cause, can cast us in the role of victim or survivor and sometimes the stories that we continue to tell ourselves can keep us stuck there.  So how do we move to the point where we are a thriver, where we are leading a life of wholeness and joy?  I think learning to re-frame our story is a critical piece.

So back to my puppy story- I decided to re-frame my story in a way that makes me feel more open and possible around this new adventure -if not quite to the point where I feel like a fantastic puppy Mommy.  When I started to feel inadequate to the task –I used my problem solving/researchy super-powers and resourced the heck out of it. An awesome dog-walker (thank you Simon), 9 puppy books later, reaching out to every family member, friend and colleague who had ever brought a second dog into their household, asking help from our breeder and finally enrolling Teddy in a drop-in training program (have a good day at school-Mommy’s going to the office style stuff).

How to re-frame your story in the middle of family crisis or divorce asks you to build the same muscle.  To feel more open and possible you must be open to seeing possibilities, to asking for help, and to offering yourself more self-acceptance and love.

Are you ready to be a thriver? Want to meet Teddy? (He’s training to become our office emotional support animal and available for belly rubs) Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Getting Through: Why Connection is Key.

One of my favorite movies is Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life. (If you haven’t seen it. . .what are you waiting for? It’s a classic for a reason!) That final scene when George Bailey’s friends all show up – never fails to bring a tear to my eye. But why is it that George’s inclination through the movie, like all of us do at times, is to feel that he has nowhere to turn, to disconnect himself from his friends and family and to try to go it alone. Why is it that in times of trouble we sometimes isolate ourselves at the moment we most need support? Why do we tend to forget that connection is key to our mental health and happiness?

What is connection? Brene Brown defines it as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued, when they can give and receive without judgment and where they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

There have been numerous studies that have shown that social connection improves not only our psychological well-being, but also our physical health.  With lack of social connectedness having a greater impact on our health than obesity, smoking or high blood pressure.   There are a number of studies and even an interesting TED talk (Johann Hari) that investigate whether a component of addiction is related to an individual’s inability to be present and bond or connect with others. These harken back to the Rat Park Experiments conducted by psychologist Bruce K. Alexander, where rats that were caged alone chose water laced with heroin and became addicted, whereas rats that were caged with other rats, chose plain water and did not.

When I thought to start my own law practice, I was to be candid, terrified.  It felt like a huge leap. My first inclination was to get under the bed and hide.   A friend of mine sat me down and said, “take the leap, you won’t fall, there will be so many hands that will reach out to catch you.”  And there were (you know who you are and thank you to all of you).  But first I had to reach toward connection.  I had to be present and share my real self.  And the funny thing is that the more real I was with colleagues and friends, both old and new, the more hands there were reaching out to help me.  I didn’t fall.

In my family law practice, I am witness to so many people’s heartache and sadness. And I see where people can become deeply stuck.  In meetings, clients share stories and express feeling embarrassed or alone. They feel that what is happening to them doesn’t happen to anyone else. They sometimes express deep shame. They are clearly suffering.  I see that their sense of “otherness” is leading them away from valuable and healing connection.

I encourage them, as I was encouraged, to be brave enough to share their most real and vulnerable selves with friends, colleagues and loved ones.  To reach toward connection.  Maybe push themselves to go out with friends, talk candidly to their parents, find a good counselor or reconnect to their faith.  Connection is key because like George Bailey learns, we all touch each other’s lives in unfathomable ways and in the end, our connection to each other is all that really matters.

Looking for help connecting in your life? We’re here to help you get through your toughest family law moments.  Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at 609-223-2099.