Four Relationship Patterns That Predict Divorce

Marriage can be a beautiful and fulfilling relationship, but one that can be fraught with lots of challenges. When a couple continually experiences negativity and conflict within their marriage it can take a toll on the relationship . How can we know whether that pattern of conflict will result in divorce?  

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist and researcher who has spent more than four decades studying relationships and marriage. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute, which is dedicated to helping couples improve their relationships and reduce the divorce rate.Through extensive research Dr. Gottman identified four negative communication patterns that he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which can predict divorce with 93% accuracy. The Four Horsemen are:

CRITICISM: The first Horseman is Criticism. Criticism is different from offering constructive feedback; it involves attacking your partner's personality or character. For example, saying "You always forget to take out the trash. You're so lazy!" Instead, you could say "I noticed the trash hasn't been taken out. Can we discuss how we can improve our routine?" Criticism is destructive because it puts your partner on the defensive, leading to more arguments.

DEFENSIVENESS: The second Horseman is Defensiveness. When you feel attacked or criticized, your natural reaction might be to defend yourself. However, this can escalate the argument because it sends the message that you don't take responsibility for your actions. Instead, try to understand your partner's perspective and validate their feelings. For example, if your partner says, "You never listen to me," you could say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's talk about how we can improve our communication."

CONTEMPT: The third Horseman is Contempt. Contempt is the most destructive Horseman because it involves attacking your partner's sense of self-worth. Examples of contempt include eye-rolling, name-calling, and sarcasm. Contempt is a clear sign of disrespect and can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. Instead, focus on communicating with respect and empathy. Remember to always treat your partner with kindness.

STONEWALLING: The fourth Horseman is Stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down or withdraws from the conversation, refusing to engage. This behavior sends the message that you're not interested in resolving the issue, which can leave your partner feeling frustrated and unheard. Instead, take a break if you need to, but come back to the conversation when you're ready. Let your partner know that you're willing to work on the issue together.

The Four Horsemen are dangerous communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. To avoid them, it's important to practice healthy communication habits, such as active listening, validating your partner's feelings, and speaking respectfully. Dr. Gottman’s book The Love Prescription is an excellent resource for working on changing these negative patterns. However, if these patterns have continued for a long time and you have tried everything to improve your relationship without any improvement, it may be time to consider divorce.

If the Four Horsemen are present in your marriage and you need to educate yourself about the divorce process, please contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at 609-223-2099 to set up a consultation.