How to Fight Like a Grown Up In Divorce
Being a Capital “A” adult is not always easy and certainly not always fun- but in divorce it can help make the process smoother and less costly for you and your family. It can also help protect your children from unnecessary divorce related trauma and preserve civility in your relationship with your soon to be ex-spouse for smoother future co-parenting and interactions (think not only weekly pick-ups and drop-offs and holiday and vacation parenting time trades but graduations, weddings, and grandchildren).
Being a Grown Up in Your Divorce does not mean that you have to forego fighting for your own interests, but it does mean being responsible, respectful, and putting the best interests of your children first. An important aspect of acting like a grown up during a divorce is being financially responsible. This means being transparent about your finances and working with your spouse to maintain the status quo for your family during the divorce process and negotiating in good faith to create a fair and reasonable settlement.
Being respectful to your spouse during the divorce process is another important aspect of acting like a grown up in your divorce. This means being respectful to your spouse and their feelings and trying to see things from the other person’s point of view. Avoid name-calling, blame-shifting, and other forms of verbal abuse. Be willing to listen to your spouse's perspective and try to find common ground.
As John Gottman, renowned relationship expert and author of "Love Prescription: Ending the War Between the Sexes," states, "Fighting is a part of any relationship, but how you fight is the key. The goal is not to eliminate conflict, but to make sure that it doesn't turn destructive." It is important to learn how to express yourself in a healthy and constructive way, rather than resorting to personal attacks and name-calling. Rehashing past grievances, resentments and anger is not productive in a divorce setting unless done under the guidance of a mental health professional.”
In addition to being financially responsible and respectful, it is also important to put your children's best interests first. This means being willing to co-parent and make joint decisions about your children's upbringing, as well as being willing to put your own needs and wants aside for the sake of your children. It also means being reasonable and flexible about changes to parenting time schedules.
Acting like a grown up during a divorce can be difficult, but it is important to remember that your actions can dictate how difficult, protracted and costly your divorce will be and can have a lasting impact on you, your children and your future. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, children of acrimonious divorces experience more depression, anxiety and behavioral problems than children of amicable divorces.
It is crucial to seek legal advice and representation from a family lawyer who can help you navigate the legal process and who encourages participation in divorce litigation in a responsible and respectful manner. Reach out to our office to discuss how we can help you navigate your family law matter. Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at 609-223-2099.