Divorce Growth Mindset: The Power of Perhaps and Yet

There is a reason that divorce is considered the second highest life stressor that you can go through as it can involve not only the severing of our relationship to our marriage partner but can cause significant changes in parent-child and other close relationships. Divorce also often de-stabilizes our financial and living situations; causing us to step into an uncertain future. These changes can be experienced as a sense of loss, fear and sometimes even a sense of failure.  

How do people who navigate divorce well reframe this experience and create a sense of power and agency during and after their divorce? What is the secret sauce of the clients who survive difficult divorce and move on to thrive post-divorce? I believe it requires accessing resilience and a growth mindset in the uncertainty of divorce that the things you fear may not come to pass or be as hard as you fear AND that the things that you hope for may be somewhere in the future.

Growth mindset is a term that was popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck and refers to the belief that one’s abilities, intelligence, talents and circumstances can be improved over time through dedication, hard work, learning and resilience. In contrast to a fixed mindset, where individuals believe that their abilities and circumstances are innate and unchangeable. The way I conceptualize this open mindedness is through the words “perhaps” and “yet.” The word yet is pregnant with possibility that something has not occurred UNTIL NOW. That something may be poised to come to you in the future but just has not presented itself YET. It is a word embued with possibility.  The idea that something good is in the future but has not happened YET is a powerful weapon in moments when things feel hopeless.

But I like to temper my contemplation of YET with a healthy dose of “PERHAPS.”   If YET is the weapon of choice to foster hope, PERHAPS is the presence of mind to hold with equanimity that there are many possible outcomes to situations that can look dark and hopeless.  That our feelings aren’t necessarily facts and that we can sometimes be lousy at predicting the future.

Divorce often initiates a cascade of emotions—grief, anger, fear—that can easily become stagnant pools, trapping individuals in a fixed mindset. But what if, instead of succumbing to the limitations of despair, we allowed ourselves to entertain the possibility of "perhaps?” Perhaps the outcome of this will be better than I hoped, perhaps this painful ending is a doorway to a new beginning, a chance for personal growth and self-discovery.  Likewise, introducing the power of “yet” into our narrative allows room for evolution and transformation that is not present in the moment but that is possible in the future. Shifting our mindset from a fixed narrative of loss and failure to the potential of "perhaps" and “yet” opens up a world of opportunities for healing and renewal.

Cultivating a growth mindset in divorce is not about denying the pain or minimizing the challenges. It's about creating resilience to stand in a place of uncertainty. They are tools for empowerment and transformation. By acknowledging the uncertainty of the future and the potential for growth, we open ourselves to the resilience that lies within us all.

 Let us help you navigate your divorce process with a sense of hope and possibility. Contact our office to schedule a consultation with Georgia Fraser, Esq., an experienced and knowledgeable family law attorney. You may contact us online or call us at 609-223-2099.