What Not to Say to Your Ex in a Text: 5 Tips for Litigation Proofing Your Co-Parenting Communication

Those frantic text threads sent in the heat of the moment can be the thing that is attached as Exhibit “A,” to your ex’s custody and parenting time application to the Court. Being smart in not only what you say, but how and where you say it can make a significant difference in making yourself litigation proof. Here are our top 5 Tips for more effective and protective Co-Parenting Communication:

1.Opt for Emails NOT Texts for Non-Urgent Messages: Yes, texting is fast and easy- but it lends itself to reactivity and messy and unclear text threads where tone and context can be misunderstood. Instead of relying on text messages to discuss co-parenting issues, make it the rule that for all non-emergent issues that you communicate through email (we often suggest using Our Family Wizard or other such platforms which organize and store emails). Email provides a structured format that reduces the chance of saying something damaging in the heat of the moment. It is easier to save and search (subject lines are helpful) and it helps create boundaries around availability for communication with your ex.

2.Do Not Say Anything You Would Not Want a Judge to Read: Remember that old adage- if you don’t have something nice to say- well that really, really applies here.  Keep the nasty diatribes, unproductive criticisms, personal attacks, scorched earth litigation threats and snarky comments to yourself. This includes criticizing parenting styles that you disagree with, but that are not in any way harmful to your child. Don’t put ANYTHING in writing that you would not want a Judge determining your custody and parenting time to read.

3.Edit Yourself: Sometimes when we react to a difficult situation we overreact. We engage too much and say too much, which often escalates things. It also sometimes provides too much information that can be used by your ex to manipulate the facts in custody litigation. The Gray Rock Method and BIFF method are excellent methods for how to edit yourself.in your co-parenting communications. Lawyer, therapist and mediator Bill Eddy, the co-founder of the High Conflict Institute created the BIFF method (brief, informative, friendly, firm) for communicating in high conflict situations or with a co-parent who may be difficult or challenging to engage with. Try it next time. Take your time in responding back to those heated emails. Edit it down to what is absolutely necessary. It should be direct, but kind.

4.Wait an Hour: Unless it is an urgent issue- hold off on sending a response back right away. This avoids sending reactive emails and sometimes a situation unfolds more, and you can develop a better response. This also helps create a boundary around your availability for communication with your ex.

5.Focus on Solutions, Not Blame: When addressing co-parenting issues, propose reasonable solutions rather than assigning blame. Keep the conversation constructive and centered on what is in your child’s best interests. Nothing supports your narrative that you are the reasonable co-parent more than actually being the reasonable co-parent!

For more help with your co-parenting communication or custody and parenting time issues, contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office LLC, for a consultation at 609-223-2099.