Re-Framing Your Story

This summer I did something truly amazing and truly crazy. I decided to add a 9-week old Golden Retriever puppy (meet Teddy) to our already overly busy, working-mother with her own law practice, one-dog and a 9- year old household. I find that the things that you love the most are also the things that test you the most and offer you a glimpse into the story you tell about yourself.  Our children are a perfect example. The inadequacy that parenting our children brings necessarily invites a story. Sometimes one that is pretty self-shaming.

So it comes as no surprise that the raising of this little puppy also comes with its own set of invitations around my self-story telling. It seems everyday that there is some new behavior or challenge with this confident little guy and I can’t say that with our hectic life that I am always perfectly resourced to know how to handle them. Growling at an adult dog while walking on the street, bloodying our 3 year old Black Lab in puppy MMA kamikaze-style attacks, resource guarding a squeaky toy, peeing in his crate at night without making a peep . . . it goes on and on and on.  Of course, the story that I am sometimes tempted to tell myself is that I need to be doing “more” or that if I had handled it better this wouldn’t be happening.  That if I were a perfect puppy Mommy he would be a more perfect puppy. Oh, silly, silly human.

I’m guessing by now you understand that the puppy story is a metaphor. There are lots of puppy stories we tell ourselves in life- some much, much more serious than tales of housebreaking and shoe chewing. And depending on the particular puppy story we tell we can be cast as victims, we can be survivors or we can be thrivers. I came across this concept recently and I found it so striking in terms of my own emotional growth, but also the growth and arc of the people that I meet in my family law practice.

So what is the difference you ask between these roles. I found the following chart to be so interesting and helpful:

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Personal trauma, whatever the cause, can cast us in the role of victim or survivor and sometimes the stories that we continue to tell ourselves can keep us stuck there.  So how do we move to the point where we are a thriver, where we are leading a life of wholeness and joy?  I think learning to re-frame our story is a critical piece.

So back to my puppy story- I decided to re-frame my story in a way that makes me feel more open and possible around this new adventure -if not quite to the point where I feel like a fantastic puppy Mommy.  When I started to feel inadequate to the task –I used my problem solving/researchy super-powers and resourced the heck out of it. An awesome dog-walker (thank you Simon), 9 puppy books later, reaching out to every family member, friend and colleague who had ever brought a second dog into their household, asking help from our breeder and finally enrolling Teddy in a drop-in training program (have a good day at school-Mommy’s going to the office style stuff).

How to re-frame your story in the middle of family crisis or divorce asks you to build the same muscle.  To feel more open and possible you must be open to seeing possibilities, to asking for help, and to offering yourself more self-acceptance and love.

Are you ready to be a thriver? Want to meet Teddy? (He’s training to become our office emotional support animal and available for belly rubs) Contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. at Fraser Family Law Office LLC for help with your family law or divorce issue. 609-223-2099.

Making Self-Care a Habit

For many of us self-care is synonymous with things like trips to the spa or once a year vacation and is permissioned perhaps as only an intermittent break from the stress of our everyday lives. But I believe that a habit of true self-care is essential to how we stay present in our lives, how we resource ourselves to make better decisions and create the sense of agency necessary to make changes.  It is also the well from which we draw our energy to give and care for others. But how many of us are running on empty all the time between work and home life?  How often is taking care of yourself the thing that comes last or the first thing to go when your schedule goes sideways?

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently who was looking to make big changes in his life.  We talked a lot about what the block to those bigger changes were and during the course of our discussion he revealed how little of himself was present in his everyday life; always working, doing, taking care of others. How could my friend hope to make these big changes for himself when he wasn’t creating a habit of taking care of himself every day? Here is the advice I gave to my friend:

1. Prioritize Rest: We are a society that disdains rest and glorifies “doing.” But rest – the good old-fashioned close your eyes kind -is essential not only to the body’s repair but to the repair of the emotional and psychic toll that the stress of everyday life takes on all of us.  Rest is where the energy to create and change is built. So my advice was – to find a soft place to land every day if even for 10 minutes. Close eyes. Slow your breath. Let your mind wander.

2. Learn to Say No:  How many of us push ourselves to do things when we’re tapped out, or say “yes” to something that really should just be a no. I heard a great interview of producer Shonda Rhimes in which she revealed that she cultivated a perfect “no,” by saying “No, I’m not able to.” Period. Full-stop.  Try hers or come up with your own- but cultivate more “no’s” in order to say “yes” to yourself more.

3. Don’t Take On More Than You’re Resourced For:  This is a corollary of “no,” but the obvious truth is that when you’re on empty- it’s a full-stop until you’ve re-filled the tank. This could mean more rest, more play, more joy, more connection. Whatever it is that re-fuels you.

4. Establish Your VIP Rope:  You know those exclusive clubs where there is a bouncer and vip rope that only the select people can get behind- well access to you should look like that too. Figure out who the energy vampires are and who are the people that restore and re-fuel you and establish the rules around VIP access.

5. Stay With Your Joy:  Ever go on a weekend trip with a friend and have so much fun you wonder why you don’t do “that” more often? Find ways to bring whatever “that” is into your everyday life. Its really easy to lose the thread of your own happiness in a routine that has so little of YOU in it. So find a way to say connected to yourself by staying connected to the things you love to do. (The good news is that the more you say no to what isn’t your joy the more you can say yes to what is).

Ready to take better care of yourself?  For more information about family law issues contact Georgia Fraser, Esq. of Fraser Family Law Office, LLC  at 609-223-2099.